the BLOG of stuart mcdonald

Eavesdrop on a Prayer
July 23, 2009, 2:21 am
Filed under: Mind Flush, My Life... | Tags: , , , , , , ,


This is not going to be pretty, well thought out, eloquent post. This is going to be a messy post. I’m just gonna talk to God and be entirely honest about where I am right now. I don’t expect your comments or applause. I just need to talk to God about my life. I thought you might be able to gain something by listening in so… Enjoy your eavesdropping.

God… I’m sorry. I haven’t depended on you. Especially not for the things I truly needed. I thought I could do it on my own. I feel like less of a man when I have to admit I need your help. But I do. God I need your help. I can’t do this thing called life by myself. As much as I want to say I did it, I know you are worthy of any shred of attention I could garner by myself.  You alone are the reason I’m alive today, with a story to tell and a means by which to tell it!

Jesus, don’t let me be drawn my the applause and approval of men. Let me not entertain them & their frivolity. I want you to be pleased with me. I want to hear you say, “Well done.” Let me not play and cater to their ever changing whims. They will only take me further off course! Let me direct all praise back to You, for I have nothing in and of myself! You give me everything. Continue reading


Who Are You NOT to Forgive?
July 21, 2009, 12:21 pm
Filed under: Relationships, Think About It | Tags: , , , , ,

Yesterday, Chris Brown released a video statement apologizing for his assault on his then girlfriend, singer Rihanna. Because we all have the expertise of Sotomayor, America was quick to judge and to criticize, but I wanted to withhold my thoughts for a day. In case you haven’t seen it, you can watch it below.

Did he read off a script? Probably. When I have to make an apology, I always write down my thoughts beforehand. It helps me to makes sure I’ve included everything I want to say. It also ensures that I say what I mean to say. If he hadn’t read off a script people would be hollering, “He didn’t even care enough to take the time to write out an apology! He was just saying whatever!” You can’t please everyone. Writing the statement beforehand was the right thing.

Do I think he’s genuinely sorry? Yes. He said it with his words, and with his actions by staying out the the spotlight these last few months. I’m sure he probably regretted his actions as soon as it happened. I don’t think it was a premeditated beat down. It’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and made mistakes. It happens to me. It happens to you. Continue reading

Don’t Be Like Me: Part 2 of 3: My Flaws
July 10, 2009, 8:30 am
Filed under: My Life..., Relationships | Tags: , , ,

I'm broken... yesI know I said my apologies yesterday, but here’s one more: I should have been honest with you from the jump. I know girls like to talk. Especially about guys. I have no problem with you telling others about me and what I’ve done. I can’t take it back and I wholly accept responsibility for my actions. When the inevitable comes and you bring me up, just make sure you mention a few of my lesser traits. A few reasons why you shouldn’t have gotten involved with me in the first place:

I’m a flirt. I like getting attention from girls. It makes me feel good. I also have a lot of female friends who I absolutely love! Don’t worry about them. If something was going to jump off, it would have.

I’m a physical person. I like cuddling. I like kissing. And I can do those things and not be 100% sure where I want to go with the relationship. Yes, I do use that to my advantage, because I can be selfish & I enjoy it.

I have no problem separating my actions from my feelings. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism because I’ve been hurt in the past. But because I don’t want to get hurt again, I’ve grown somewhat callous and built walls so it’s harder to get to me. To the real, deep me. Or maybe it’s because I’m scared to commit to the wrong thing so I don’t give anything a chance. I don’t know. However, that makes it harder for those who really care about me to do so. Funny how the same thing I think protects me can really hurt others. Continue reading

Don’t Be Like Me: Part 1 of 3: My Apology
July 9, 2009, 10:12 am
Filed under: My Life..., Relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I realize I have done some things I should not have. I owe you an apology. Somehow, Maxwell’s “Pretty Wings” seems incredibly appropriate for right now.

Time will bring the real end of our trial. One day there’ll be no remnants, no trace no residual feelings within ya. One day you won’t remember me.

Your face will be the reason I smile, but I will not see what I cannot have forever. I’ll always love ya; I hope you feel the same

Although he said it well, I could never let another man speak for me completely.

I played with your emotions. I knew what I was doing. I’m sorry. I just didn’t know the extent to which you were really feeling me. I knew you liked me. And I liked you. We had chemistry. I got caught up. My intent was not to lead you on or to hurt you, regardless of how you perceived it. I don’t want to hurt anyone, much less those close to me. Continue reading