the BLOG of stuart mcdonald

Girl, You Are Not Your Past
July 25, 2009, 11:58 pm
Filed under: My Life..., Relationships

After my previous post, “Only ONE Girl in the World” I had a few people say, “What if you’re wife wasn’t a virgin?” I also read a blog I read entitled, “Can We Break the Double Standard?” in which the author made a comment that spoke to me. She said, “We don’t tell women I FORGIVE YOU for your past. We don’t ASK if there were any issues that perhaps led them to act that way. Instead, we just insult, name-call, and snub these women.”


I wrote this post as a letter to my future wife, if she may have a less than desirable past:

I will never say, “I don’t care about your past.” I do care about it. I want to know about your past and your history because I want to know you. What I will tell you instead is, “I care about you enough to realize that you past does not define you.”

Your past will only define you if you give it permission. It is your past. You own it. It has no power by itself; only the power you decide it has. You may never forget the past and it’s consequences. And while you can’t change what happened, you can change your future.

Think of today as a clean slate and start over. Take your slips and trips, your mistakes and blunders and tell others about them! Let people know what you’ve done, where you’ve been, and the trials you’ve walked through. Teach young ladies to avoid going down the same path that you did.

If it’s wise to learn from your mistakes, it’s wiser to learn from the mistakes of others. How much more wise is it to let someone learn from your mistakes?

I know you’ve been sexually active. You may have slept with a stranger, had one night stands, or even abortions, but if you think that changes the fact that I love you, you’re dead wrong. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The truth is I love you.

I may not love what you were or who you’ve done, but I accept it as part of your history. I accept that all your past experiences along with every man you’ve known have shaped you into the woman you are today. And that’s the woman I love. The one I adore, care for, and cherish.

I know people may still call you names. But you’re not a slut. You’re not a whore. And you’re not loose.

Maybe you were those things at one time, but you are certainly not them now. The verb makes a fundamental difference. “Were” is past. “Are” is the present. You have to understand the difference between who you were and who you are. You have to let the past be the past and get past it.

You’re an incredibly gorgeous and gifted woman. You’re a stunning, strong and sexy representation of what any women can become. Yet there will always be only one you. You’re bright, beautiful and full of potential. You’re a lady. You’re my lady.

You see, it’s you that I love; not what you’ve done, where you’ve been, or who you’ve had. I love you. I love you for the person you are right now. And nothing less. Don’t ever doubt that.


12 Comments so far
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Hmph. We both linked to the same blog post tonight. Interesting lol!

Comment by Tatiana Noel


Your position in this blog post was very… angelic.

There are lots of men that cannot forgive and or realize a woman’s past is indeed the “past.” I know men that are aware of the discrepancies in reputation that women may attain as appose to themselves regarding “past” actions.

It pleases me to see that you grasp the concept of “then” versus “now.” Not a lot of- not just men but- people in general can realize those factors. They are important whether they already know it or not.

Wonderfully written.

Comment by Ana

Thank you! I appreciate your words! I do think that men don’t do a good job forgiving the ladies of their past, but assume their pasts are alright. It’s a bad double standard!

Comment by CreativeStu

This is great! I’ve actually written a similar letter to my husband, and plan to give it to him on our wedding night(that would require me meeting him first, LOL) . Kudos, friend! Your lady will be a very lucky and blessed daughter of Christ!

Comment by danniwrites

wow…it’s rare for most men to think or speak words similar to what’s above. Most men have a double standard and it takes a strong, confident, christian man to understand, accept and still love a woman and where she’s been or what she’s been through.

Awesome post!!

Comment by jane

Stu, you’re awesome! I found you via Twitter (the Dynamic Diva). So many women need to be reassured and know that the love someone gives is truly from the heart. Loving your perspective. All the best!

Comment by MelzieC

Stu –

It’s truly a blessing that you took the time to write this blog. I totally agree with your stance on this issue. I personally don’t get caught in the whole issue of “how many?” I, like you, would ask questions because I really want to know my potential wife and try to understand her. I also feel that when it really comes down to the matter I’m more concerned with looking at character than just “a number.” So often our wonderful women of Christ feel ashamed because they have a “past” and feel like men can’t handle what they’ve been through because of the double-standard. I say to the ladies that if the husband God has for you is confessing to be a follower of Christ and says that he loves you, then he needs to love all of you. If he can’t handle that, then he isn’t for you and needs to read 1 Corinthians 4:4-7 and Matthew 7:1-2. Peace.

Comment by MagicCityFla

This is exactly what I’ve been trying to tell my future wife for over a year. It seems like the more I try to convince her it’s OK that she has a “past” the harder she comes down on me. No matter what I say it seems like she doesn’t believe me when I tell her I love her for who she is, and it doesn’t matter what she’s done in her past.

Thanks for this. Maybe I’ll copy it if you don’t mind and type it up and give it to my “wife”.

Maybe then she will understand what I have already been saying for a year.

Comment by Solomon

This is a beautiful tribute to your future wife. I just wrote a blog on seeing a person for their core value and not the superficial layers.

If you haven’t found her…I pray you do.

Comment by Kiwi

I hope I find some one who feels the same way you feel about your future wife.

Comment by Aloevera32

If only most Christan men thought this way… unfortunately, the worst treatment I’ve gotten has been from Christian men (with and without pasts), and the worst of that from single pastors. I’m currently seeing someone and I dread the coming conversation, but am praying he will be like you – even more so, like Christ. I pray you find someone who appreciates you. Thanks for sharing.

Comment by Krista

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