the BLOG of stuart mcdonald

Eavesdrop on a Prayer
July 23, 2009, 2:21 am
Filed under: Mind Flush, My Life... | Tags: , , , , , , ,


This is not going to be pretty, well thought out, eloquent post. This is going to be a messy post. I’m just gonna talk to God and be entirely honest about where I am right now. I don’t expect your comments or applause. I just need to talk to God about my life. I thought you might be able to gain something by listening in so… Enjoy your eavesdropping.

God… I’m sorry. I haven’t depended on you. Especially not for the things I truly needed. I thought I could do it on my own. I feel like less of a man when I have to admit I need your help. But I do. God I need your help. I can’t do this thing called life by myself. As much as I want to say I did it, I know you are worthy of any shred of attention I could garner by myself.  You alone are the reason I’m alive today, with a story to tell and a means by which to tell it!

Jesus, don’t let me be drawn my the applause and approval of men. Let me not entertain them & their frivolity. I want you to be pleased with me. I want to hear you say, “Well done.” Let me not play and cater to their ever changing whims. They will only take me further off course! Let me direct all praise back to You, for I have nothing in and of myself! You give me everything.

Lord, I see what you’ve called me to with my life and I’m humbled and astonished that you would choose ME! Yet all my flaws & imperfections, I there is not a doubt in my mind you want me. I just have a hard time comprehending why. But I know that is not something I need to know. I need to be obedient to walk out what you’ve purposed for me and let things fall into place.

Jesus, I haven’t been seeking your Kingdom first. I got distracted. Sidelined. Injured reserve. Whatever you want to call it; I lost focus of the prize. The goal of my life: to bring you pleasure & glory & honor in all I do. If it was not for you, Lord, I’d be a wretch undone. I don’t even want to think about where I’d be had you not guided me thus far.

I’m sorry I haven’t been spending time with you. I too often find it easier to interact with people on Facebook and Twitter than I do to crack open your Word & listen for your voice. It’s easier to tweet than to pray. I thank you that I can still recognize that voice. I’m sorry these things have gotten in the way. I thank you for the influence you’ve given me in those circles and I pray I would use it for your Glory and purposes.

I’ve been lacking in the motivation department lately. In every area, Lord, and I don’t know why. I haven’t been running, swimming, going to the gym. Nothing. I’ve been sitting on my tail & doing very little. I’m sorry. I know you’ve put more potential inside of me that what I’ve used these past few months. Show me what I need to do to shake this off. If I need to fast, give me specifics. Help me out of this funk. I’m in a stale state and it smells. And I don’t like it.

I’m scared to ask you what you want me to do professionally while I’m in school this Fall. I feel like you might put me on punishment for not hanging out with you as much. I know those thoughts are not from you and they’re founded in fear, but I’m struggling to get past them. God, just show me where you want me to go and will promise I will do my best to follow. I can’t say I won’t put up a fight, but I know you have my back. My front. My sides. You have covered me. Even when I don’t want or deserve it. Thank you Lord!

You are my source! I haven’t looked at you like that lately. I really haven’t looked at you at all lately. I’m sorry. I want to see more of you in my life and I know you want more of me. I cannot provide for myself. I know you own the cattle and 1,000 hills. Walking on streets of Gold. Got it! But Lord, I’m literally at the end of every fund I have. I don’t want to ask anyone for help because I’m too proud, but Lord I don’t know where else to go.

I’ve tithed consistently. I know what your Word says in my head, but I don’t feel it to be true. I know you can provide for every need, but with this $20 in my pocket, I’m not feeling your provision. And honestly, I don’t know what happens when the tank reaches “E” That should happen before Saturday. “Late in the Midnight hour” I know God! I know, but I don’t see. Help my vision to see your provision.

I don’t know what else to say, Lord. I feel like there aren’t enough words to express my gratefulness for the love and care you show towards me. Your patience is phenomenal. I want to be back to the way we were before… when I was focused, motivated, and moving forward. I do my best to complete my part of the bargain because I know you’ll hold up your end. Thank you for continually giving me more tomorrows, when I didn’t deserve them. Your grace leaves me speechless. Your mercy and compassion have no equal, no rival and no end. You’re worthy of all praise, glory, honor, adoration, and worship. I love you. I do. I know my actions miss the mark and contradict my heart. But I do love you. How could I not?

God, breath new life into me. Renew the passion in my life. I can not and will not go without your approval. I won’t go without your presence. Do what only you can do! In the mighty, magnificent and matchless name of your son, Jesus, I pray!

{Author’s Note: This post wasn’t written because I wanted you sympathy or you pity. It was written in hopes that someone might see my struggle and identify with it and know that they’re not alone. At the same time, I don’t want to block any blessing you might receive if you feel led to sow into my life. I leave the choice in God’s hands as He speaks to you, but the goal was not to solicit funds or pity. Thanks for reading!}


1 Comment so far
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Great prayer

Comment by Tatiana

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