Filed under: Mind Flush, My Life..., Relationships, Think About It | Tags: black, culture, dating, interracial relations, love, marriage, race, slavery, white
I read a highly intriguing article today entitled: Black Women: White Men Are Not Looking To Wife Most Of You. I always love reading articles from people who I don’t agree with because it pushes and expands my knowledge. It forces me to think about what I believe and why. Below is my response to the article.
I am a white man & I’m attracted to black women. I’m also attracted to white women, Latino women, and occasionally an Asian woman. I’m not into black women because it’s some sort of fetish or because I want to “relive the days of slavery.” It just happens that a lot of the characteristics and qualities I desire in women, are encompassed in those whose have an African American ancestry.
Understandably, slavery has tarnished black-white relations in the US in a way you’ll find almost nowhere else. Look at Europe & African and I believe you’ll see that interracial relationships are not as big of an issue as they are here, in the States. Slavery was/is an indescribable travesty against everyone who was involved in any way, shape or form and a sadly permanent stain on America’s history.
I feel it’s unfair and close minded to hold it against me, a white man, when I had absolutely nothing to do with it. I would have changed it IF I could have! What’s done cannot be changed. If you’re going to hold all white men accountable, to this day, for the abomination we call slavery, you should also include your African ancestors who sold you into it.
Love is blind. Unfortunately, when it comes to color, people are not. We often look at the color of a couple before anything else and almost instinctively judge their reasoning for being together.
I don’t think a white person brings any more to the table than any black, Asian, or Latino person does. It’s all about personal preference and what you’re attracted to. Each ethnicity has a different cultural background that make them response to situations and circumstances the way they do.
To legislate who can marry who, and why, without decent reason is foolish. It’s unwise to put rules on who someone can be attracted to. You might stop a woman from being with the very man who could love and cherish her in a way no one else could. I think it’s a shame any time you let a few bad experiences tarnish your feelings towards an entire social group.
I will love, respect, honor and cherish my wife, regardless of what color, ethnicity, or creed she comes from. Period.
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I just read the blog that sparked your response. The author seems to feel so excessively oppressed, that she can only achieve self love by hating the entire white race. We all know racism is alive and well in the hearts of many Americans, but times are changing, and so are the people of America. “One Love”.
Comment by Nakia July 7, 2009 @ 4:31 pmYou know, it’s crazy. About 5 years ago I might have agreed with that article. Then I figured I’d give it a try and started dating a white guy and he treated me the best out of all the guys I’ve ever dated in my life. I feel like he really cared for me and wanted to be with me. But I broke up with him because of some of the sentiments in that post. I realized later on that that was a huge mistake because I passed up an opportunity to be loved by someone who really cared and I vowed that I would never do that again.
You have to look at the person’s heart.
Comment by azuspeak July 7, 2009 @ 10:10 pmGreat article.
Comment by Terry Graham July 7, 2009 @ 10:17 pmIf you’re going to hold all white men accountable, to this day, for the abomination we call slavery, you should also include your African ancestors who sold you into it.
THANK YOU! One thing black people don’t EVER want to tell the truth about is that it was OUR ANCESTORS who sold us into slavery for weapons and a host of other material things. Somehow we missed that part in Amistad (or just didn’t read our history books for that matter).
You are attracted to who you are attracted to…point blank. If John Mayer and I became a serious couple and it was time for me to introduce him to family & friends, I’m not going to lie that I’ll be a bit nervous. Like you said, “Love is blind. Unfortunately, when it comes to color, people are not.” Fortunately, I am a strong black woman who wouldn’t care about what other people think about the person who brings me happiness. But, I can not deny that the stigma will be there and that is something WE as a couple will unfortunately have to deal with in America. So, if you’re looking to date interracially just move to Europe 🙂
Comment by lilisheree July 8, 2009 @ 4:45 pmFortunately, I am a strong black woman who wouldn’t care about what other people think about the person who brings me happiness.
I love that! I wish there were more open minded people that shared that same sentiment. Maybe some day there will be. For now, I appreciate you and your feedback and input!
Comment by CreativeStu July 8, 2009 @ 8:52 pmSo true that Africans sold Africans into slavery, but I am sure if they knew the brutality of American slavery they would not have. Slavery in Africa was servitude but nothing like the demoralizing and inhumane Western slavery. ( Just had to add my two cents.)
And like your favorite MJ song; it doesn’t matter if your black or white. Love, character, integrity and complementing life purposes matter to me. Plus racists are gonna have to let it go because in 100 yrs. Everybody is gonna look like ME anyways. LOL – light tan. well, maybe some caramel too. 🙂
Comment by MelodyJ4life July 8, 2009 @ 8:38 pmI see you point, but if I’m honest, the fact that you’re selling humans says to me that you probably don’t have their best interests at heart. You’re more concerned about the money than anything else.
Comment by CreativeStu July 8, 2009 @ 8:50 pmI saw a photograph of the American populace. Just a general pic from Google. Upon first glance everyone looked the same. It took me a moment to realize my eyes had filtered out any so-called white skin, blonde, red, and dark hair. Also, the darker hues like chocolate brown skin tones had lifted and blended with the “white skin” leaving my eye to pick up on a mixture of tan and caramel…I’m caramel skin toned (medium brown) so don’t know if maybe that influenced, but I did find it interesting how my eyes just blended all the various skin colors into basically one hue, a tan and caramel blend.
Comment by Neka June 29, 2016 @ 9:37 amTrue they had no interest in what was going to happen to them. I know this is not the focal point of your blog so I wont harp on this, but the slavery thing strikes a cord and I just have things to say. so Pt 1. No where in history any where in the world was slavery carried out in the manner that it was in America…period.
And the lady who wrote Black Women: White Men Are Not Looking To Wife Most Of You, is in a mad black woman phase. That is were she sees the effects of American slavery and is stuck in those truths as it is played out in media and stereotypes. Though what she feels has roots; it is not balanced with the reality of today. For example, where negative portals used to be done maliciously to degrade the thoughts and ideas of the “black” woman; today it is simply a negative stereotype. (and some blacks sadly took on these imposed identities, which is the root of her anger.) PLUS some men are dogs and some white men specially, are dogs to their played out black woman fantasies.
On the other hand, Stu, you are an impressive guy. You step out of the mold on almost everything! I wonder what exactly made you that way… and why, “a lot of the characteristics and qualities u desire in women, are encompassed in those whose have an African American ancestry.”
But really that is not my business. You are who u are and like what you what u like and you are free and unapologetic for it. You have to respect anyone for possessing those qualities. Tell Mad Black Woman to Give U Your Respect ! LOL.
Comment by MelodyJ4life July 9, 2009 @ 8:39 pmMost likely a jealous Black male wrote that article. They love to discourage Black women from dating and marrying interracially
Comment by angelaroselle January 23, 2016 @ 7:01 pmThis is a great post, and I’m glad that an above commenter did at least point at the differences concerning our Ancestors that sold us into Slavery. Typically it would be a waring tribe that would sell captives or those from other villages. So using Amistad or even American History books really isn’t the best source.
But I digress.
This is a great point, and your sentiments are much appreciated. I don’t even have to read the linked article to know that it would cause my eyes to be rolled. I fully support loving whoever you love! I have been in an interracial relationship and it was very damaging to me and my psyche, but I overcame that and I do not hold the entire white male race responsible. You keep doing you, love will find you no matter the color. She’ll be lucky!
Comment by jg14 July 20, 2009 @ 11:53 pmI think this was a great article mainly bc me and my homegirl just had an argument about this. She doesnt agree with mixed relations but I do. at the same time I find myself getting irritable sometimes when I see a successful black man with a white woman. smh its something I work on but its like I contradict myself about it. Anywho I think its cool you can look past color bc some of us cant. I never tried and too afraid too.
Comment by Je'Tara July 26, 2009 @ 7:52 pmI meant never tried dating outside the race. lol
Comment by Je'Tara July 26, 2009 @ 7:54 pmIt’s a very personal thing. What works for one person, may not work for another and that’s ok. I think we have a to walk a fine line between preference and prejudice. I’m definitely going to do a series on interracial dating, there’s just so much to say, I have to make sense of it all! Thanks for the comment!
Comment by CreativeStu July 26, 2009 @ 7:57 pmJe’Tara, I feel what you’re saying here. Been there done that, lol. I was scared to tell people my boyfriend was “white” at first. We’ve been married 13 yrs now and I’ve learned a lot (especially with his help). He said when he looks at me, he sees “my wife who I love; she happens to have beautiful caramel skin,”…his words.
Comment by neka July 29, 2015 @ 11:17 pmI get over it (the bitterness of being discriminated upon by the ignorants ones) the more I grow as a person. Same thing with hating to see “black guys” with “white girls”. I felt like a hypocrit & really had to examine myself. I learned what I really hated was seeing something that reminded me of the idea that “black women aren’t good enough…not even for black men…”. It’s hard to be confident in being you when media and other sources have worked so hard to tare your self perception down. But, we women of color are strong and have resilience…we keep on keeping on, even when we’re hurt, feeling lost, confused, and broken. As a people, no matter what has been done to us, somehow we find a way through and we excellent no matter what’s thrown at us. On top of that, somehow we still manage to have hope. The more I focus on our (and my own) strengths as a people, the more equipped I become, the less I find myself looking to other people to define who I am as a ” black” woman, as a WOMAN period. It’s a dedicated task, lol, but worth it.
The unifying fact: regardless of “race”, ethnicity, culture, we are women and no one can take that beauty away from any of us be we black, white, pink, brown, purple, green or blue.
Much love and good luck to you in your journey too.
The way I took her article was taking black women (and apparently she’d done the same with black men) to task for idolizing and pedestaling (is that even a word?) white men, as though they are some sort of savior.
She was railing against this idea that white men – more so than black men – are better mates for black women. Like the pigment of their skin suddenly makes them better mates or something. She was also ticked at these women with blogs devoted as shrines to white men, all the while denigrating black men. She was railing against that, I believe. I feel her on that. If your reasons for dating someone of another race starts with, “well, [the people from my own race] are [insert some derogatory and stereotypical adjective here]…” then you are already starting out wrong.
I agree with her that this idolization is wrong. I live in CA now (used to live back East) and I cannot tell you how many times I have walked past a brotha (and I am fine, you hear me?) and he has looked straight through/past me as if I wasn’t there! But then he zeroes in on some blonde woman. I don’t mind interracial dating – what I mind are people who won’t even consider people from their own race. I’ve even had brothas from out here explain to me that they don’t date black women. And on match.com, I was floored at the # of men here in CA who had their profiles set to reject black women. It’s mind-blowing. And it infuriates me. It’s one reason I refuse to raise children in CA – as the sickness seems to be so prevalent here. Why would I want my own child to be subjected to that kind of black self-hatred?
So, I do agree with her point (well, that one point) – but her delivery left something to be desired.
Comment by phoenics September 2, 2009 @ 12:13 pmMaybe you should move on. Are just chose to be single. Let BM be with whom they want.BW be with whom they want. Yes, you maybe fine but they have a different idea of what that now means. Let BM reject us BW and move on. Yes they are black self haters. I guess they have been this way for a long time. God will provide. No, white men are not the savior. But guess what? They are men. If a WM is good for me then I am good for him.
Comment by ree August 15, 2011 @ 12:47 pmI concur. As someone from another country, I never understood why it was such a big deal that two different races mingled. America claims to be such a progressive and dominant nation, yet many Americans still have the same racist mindset of the past. It’s a shame. We’re all people. Everyone in the world understands this. America needs to catch up.
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Pingback by When segregation surrounds us « Wolf Tank April 4, 2010 @ 11:48 pmI fully agree with you. I get so much crap from people because I am a black woman who happens to find her preference in white men. Much like you, I also have no preference with ethnicity, just as long as that person is willing to return the same affection as I give, while having a personality compatible with my own. I feel that’s it’s even worse in my case because people view it as an insult to black women who were previously misused by white men. Though I feel that that was a tragedy (and I am in no way saying that it doesn’t still happen), I have personally and individually had no qualms with white men (even if I had a qualm with one white man, that’s still no excuse to hold the whole group accountable), and I think it is a persistence of ignorance to tell a person that he or she is not allowed to love another based on an aspect that cannot be determined or changed by the other. It’s no different than telling a tall man he is not allowed to date a girl because she short, or that he’s not allowed to date a guy because he is male. It’s no one’s decision except that of the two involved. Everyone else needs to learn to respect that decision.
Comment by Kristein April 15, 2010 @ 4:00 pmRelationships between ethnic groups should never be compared to same sex relationships. In this case there is a difference with God. God created the first relationship/ marriage between Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Steve nor Eve and Alice. Marriage between male and female for campionship and reproduction. You can not get this with same sex. If this is what a person wants then this is their business and should remain only in their business and is not to be forced on society. And I say this in love.
Comment by ree August 15, 2011 @ 12:35 pmhttp://www.interracialdatingcentral.com/blog/why-white-men-love-the-black-woman.htm
thanks for your choice words. As Americans, we have such a common and rich history that it is finally time for us to embrace that and also look beyond it. That is, afterall, what MLK, JR. was fighting for. Like Barack Obama’s common story, when it comes to love, race is only skin deep, that is the truth.
Comment by limabean April 29, 2010 @ 1:04 amIf you like any women, and treat them with respect, they just might like you back!
CreativStu,
Thanks for not being afraid to declare your attraction to BW. I’d love to see more sites like yours where American WM let the world know that there’s NOTHING WRONG with interacting/establishing serious relationships with BW and treating us like NORMAL, HUMAN WOMEN.
I’ve always had a lifetime preference for WM but have been very disappointed/disgusted by the way MOST American WM DISMISS/DISRESPECT/IGNORE BW, while being totally open to IRR’s with OTHER/NON-WW. I’ve never understood/accepted the double standard and MANY excuses that MOST American WM have for not treating BW like they treat OTHER NON-WW.
Ironically, although many believe that BW/WM relationships are something rare/new, it was a BW/WM couple (the Lovings) in the 60’s who helped legalize IRR’s for everyone in America. There were also BW/WM celebrity couples prior to the Lovings. I would like to see MORE American WM, who are attracted to BW, take the initiative to pursue/establish serious relationships with them.
Comment by laromana May 6, 2010 @ 6:07 pmTwo are better than one. Ecclesiates 4:9-12. With that said. Color should not matter when it comes to love, a suitable mate,companionship and happiness. Between a man and a women because that the way God planned it. Regarding slavery we should not judge WM by using slavery as a reason to discourage BW who chose to have a relationship/marriage with WM. BW should not allow anyone in the black community to discourage them. Also, BW of course should not use slavery to discourage other BW. BM sure do not think of slavery when they chose to have relationships with WW. Which is double standards.
Comment by ree August 15, 2011 @ 12:16 pmI feel it’s unfair and close minded to hold it against me, a white man, when I had absolutely nothing to do with it. (You can’t blame people for being a bit jealous or side eying white people particularly men with envy because of their position in our society) I would have changed it IF I could have! What’s done cannot be changed(this is true). If you’re going to hold all white men accountable, to this day, for the abomination we call slavery, you should also include your African ancestors who sold you into it. (but the people who bought said sold Africans had the chance to turn down the offer and didn’t. So yes we can blame them as well but let’s not take away the responsibility of those that were wrong to buy and enslave in the first place)
Comment by shay October 17, 2012 @ 12:09 amIt is so refreshing to read this post. I could not have agreed with this person anymore I feel that love is not a choice it is a natural feeling just like attraction is completely natural. I believe that we as people have been taught and brought up in different ways holding different values but this is why it is important to learn about different cultures and different races to break down those barriers designed to keep us separated and ignorant of our differences. I am completely open to interracial dating/relationships/marriages because deep down I know that color is irrelevant in loving a person, the content of your heart and quality of you as an individual is the only important thing.
Comment by priscilla May 5, 2013 @ 12:02 amI totally agree , its funny because I am attracted to white guys , for many reasons and when I first spoke about my attraction many people tried to discourage me by saying “they may talk to you but they’ll never marry you ” , and I disagree I believe that Love is Love and the race of the person you Love shouldnt be a barrier .
Comment by InterracialLover August 13, 2013 @ 1:02 pmSame here.
Comment by angelaroselle January 23, 2016 @ 7:05 pmReblogged this on Gender and Women's Studies Short Assignment #1.
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wow am so late to this article but I’m glad i came across it. I think it’s sad that in this day and age some people don’t get that people are just that; people, regardless of race or ethnicity it takes alot of courage and strength to go against society and do what makes one happy regardless. i also have a strong preference for non-black men and i have to say being an African woman in Africa, there arent many of them around here but the hunt must still go on *inserts wicked laugh* anyway thanks for the encoraging article hooefully more people will ger the memo.
Comment by jazzi September 28, 2014 @ 6:38 pmabsolutely not a problem 🙂
Comment by Jenni B April 15, 2015 @ 7:57 pmSome of this sounds like a copout to me. “Don’t blame me…I didn’t do it…your ancestors sold you…I would have changed it if I could…etc”
Do you or do you not enjoy preveliges of being part of the “master race” here in America? Do you or do you not enjoy the preveliges of being secure as a white male vs being a woman and more specifically a black woman? Do you or do not get charged to a “black tax”?
I don’t blame my ” white” husband for the preveliges he benefits from or the sense of security he has because he is a white male. He’s never been through what I’ve been through as a woman and especially as one having been labeled BW. But, at least he doesn’t try to force me to pretentend there isn’t a major disparity going on in America, or pretend it isnt mentally strenuous living in my caramel colored “black skin”, as I try to navigate the murky waters of the racism (direct and indirect) that I’ve experienced. I didn’t ask to be mistreated, after all.
I think you might mean well, but it almost seems like you are trying to push that, ” its in the past…get over it” foolishness. The effects of the bad stuff is still alive and thriving in our society…sad but true and healing takes time, dedication, and commitment from all sides. The effects of trauma (to an entire group) doesn’t just disappear, especially when those effects are generational and ingrained and has gone, (does go) untreated or isn’t even acknowledged but is instead having *dirty* Band-Aids put on it.
Now enter the next generation white male who descends from the original culprits (idk if this is your lineage, just making making a point) and he seems to be saying, “get over it and by-the-way, blame your own people not mine”. The psychosis goes both ways and let’s not forget that while *some* did sell their fellows, as you said, the large majority were in fact kidnapped against their will both in Africa and here in America. Regardless, white ancestors bought them, beat them, rapped them, hanged them, linched them, experimented on them (research the history of OBGYN instruments), killed them, dehumanized them, re-classified them, discrimated against them, whipped them, segregated them, bombed their neighborhoods and communities, killed their babies, broke up and scattered their families, hated them, called them — and then acuse them of being violent, angry, and bitter with a chip on their shoulders. Sorry, but, all those evil, barbaric, sadistic, violent, inhumane, ego-driven deeeds and the generational psychological effects of those horrid behaviors kinda outweigh the, “your ancestors sold you,” gambit that didn’t even apply to the vast majority. That was those particular ones and has absolutely nothing to do with the descendants on American soil who were born into slavery, sold and resold for generations.
Comment by neka July 30, 2015 @ 12:45 amTo my sistas: love comes in many ways. It takes strength of character to love who you love especially while opposition abounds. Personal preferences are no one business but the ones involved, so more power to anyone brave enough to say, “love have your way with me and critics be damned” (i had to mature into that one, myself, lol). Just plz, lets not put WM on pedestals as though they are our saviors or are better than all the men-of-color. WM are not superior to others in any way shape or form because they are “white”.
Comment by neka July 30, 2015 @ 1:29 amA superior man is: the man (no matter creed, color, ethnicity) who loves you, cherishes you, and wants the best qualities within you to shine. And it takes an equally exceptional woman to attract the man she deserves.
That said, good luck to those of you who find and fall in love with a good man–who just happeneds to be white–like the rest of us did. May he be worthy of you and you worthy of him.
There is no such thing as a(n) “superior” man, whether he a BM, WM, AM etc. The one thing {being} who is superior is GOD and through him anything is possible, because now WE {anyone} are free to love, date, marry, whomever we choose to. No matter their race, color or creed. LOVE TO YOU ALL.
Comment by Reesey June 26, 2016 @ 5:42 pmReesey, I digress on the use of term the “superior” vs using exceptional, wonderful, exemplary, etc. I merely meant to imply a man who is the best man for you (you in general).
Comment by neka June 29, 2016 @ 10:02 am