Filed under: Relationships
A friend of mine posted this note on Facebook the other day and I had to respond, but it was so long that I figured I’d post it here as well…
Dear Shirley, I am seeing this guy and he is great!! He is in the church and treats me amazing. We have only been dating for a little while and when we started I told him I didn’t want to have sex until we are married he was cool with that and upholding my standards, however before I met him I was in a sexual relationship with someone else. I don’t want to cheat but I can’t help it because it is so GOOD!! I don’t want to have sex with my man because its going to mess up the beautiful relationship we could have blessed by God when we get married. When my phone rings and I see Mr. Good’s name on the caller ID I can’t help but to set a date and time to let him break me off! My man has no idea about the other guy, and intend on breaking my fling off in a couple months with Mr. Good. Should I tell him, or keep it a secret? The only thing I’m worried about is that everything that’s done in the dark comes to light. Please help me because I can’t help myself.
Sincerely, Almost a Good Girl
Dear “Almost a Good Girl”,
Let me address these issues in order. The first issue I see here is that HE is in the church… are you? This whole problem seems to be more an issue of spiritual maturity and controlling your flesh more than an issue between which man you should choose. Good character is corrupted by bad company. You become who you hang out with and if you continue to hang out/sleep with Mr. Good, you’ll soon enough become more like him and less like Christ.
Secondly, you say you “can’t help but to set up a date” when Mr. Good calls, but how many times are there when you really could have helped it. You could have no answered the phone, not gotten in the car, not took off your clothes, not spread your legs. You WANT to sleep with this man whether you admit it or not. The bible says that there is ALWAYS a way of escape out of every temptation. It’s up to you to choose that way.
You need to evaluate what means more to you: Sex, however good it may be, with Mr. Good, or the future or your relationship with Church Boy. I think it’s foolish that you presume that you’ll be able to break off your ‘fling’ in a few months. Why not do it now? And who’s to say that you’ll be the one to break it off. Did you think about the possibility that one or both of them might break off the relationship(s) first? Don’t always think that you’re in control because there are 2 people in these relationships.
This situation WILL come to the light, it’s only a question of when. If you’re honest and up front with Church Boy now, he may be much more accepting than if he were to find out about through some other avenue. There’s obviously no guarantee that he’ll still want to be with you, but you should have thought of that when you were out fornicating.
So, having said all that, what do you need to do? First of all, you need to end it with Mr. Good and delete all his information from your life. If you can’t get in touch with him, you can’t sleep with him. Period. Secondly, you need to tell Church Boy everything that’s happened and take the relationship from there. Give him space and time to process because you’re going to put a LOT on him. IF he takes you back and wants to continue the relationship then you both need to be intentional about setting boundaries and guidelines for personal and spiritual growth. You also need to, not only get to church more, but develop your personal relationship with Christ.
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